Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Nightmare on Ear Canal
A very scary and traumatic thing happened to me last night, at about 5:00 a.m. I was sound asleep and then I was in that sleep-wake stage where something is bothering you but you don’t quite know what. Then I became aware of a very loud buzzing sound in my ears. I thought it was a mosquito and swatted at it while I was half asleep. The buzzing continued. I kept feeling like the buzzing was coming from my ears so I thought maybe I was imagining it, I shook/slapped both my ears while still almost asleep. The damned buzzing continued. Finally I woke up because I also felt something in my left ear.
To my horror I realized that an insect had crawled into my ear hole and was now buzzing around in there, trapped. It may not sound like a big deal but I was half-asleep and this entire episode had decidedly nightmarish overtones. It’s also a really freaky feeling when you can feel an insect careening around inside your ear, crash landing against the ear canal. The noise of its wings beating was amplified a thousand times and I literally jumped in shock every time it moved because the noise was so loud. I was sorely tempted to crush the little bugger with a swab because that was the first and fastest idea that popped into my head. But, I imagine, the only thing grosser than having an insect in your ear is having squished dead insect parts in your ear. So I had to get it in one piece.
It was then that one of the random bits of information that my brain is home to popped into mind. Year and years ago, when I was sick in my nanis house, I had been bored enough to read the entire collection ancient of Readers Digests in the guest room. Thank God for that! I remembered reading about a woman who had a bee trapped in her ear and who got it out by shining a bright light into her ear; the bee was attracted to the light and moved out towards it. I grabbed my phone, switched on the torch/flash function and held it to my ear. The light seemed to annoy the insect even more, it began to buzz agitatedly and very, very loudly. Then, on the verge of panic, I went and woke my cousin up and told her that she had to shine a torch into my ear right now because there was a bloody insect in there. Luckily, she wakes up fast. As soon as she shone the torch into my ear (I guess she angled the light better than I did), the insect flew out. It was apparently tiny. Little bastard. I will buy lots of Baygon today and exterminate you and your cursed adventurous ilk.
A very scary and traumatic thing happened to me last night, at about 5:00 a.m. I was sound asleep and then I was in that sleep-wake stage where something is bothering you but you don’t quite know what. Then I became aware of a very loud buzzing sound in my ears. I thought it was a mosquito and swatted at it while I was half asleep. The buzzing continued. I kept feeling like the buzzing was coming from my ears so I thought maybe I was imagining it, I shook/slapped both my ears while still almost asleep. The damned buzzing continued. Finally I woke up because I also felt something in my left ear.
To my horror I realized that an insect had crawled into my ear hole and was now buzzing around in there, trapped. It may not sound like a big deal but I was half-asleep and this entire episode had decidedly nightmarish overtones. It’s also a really freaky feeling when you can feel an insect careening around inside your ear, crash landing against the ear canal. The noise of its wings beating was amplified a thousand times and I literally jumped in shock every time it moved because the noise was so loud. I was sorely tempted to crush the little bugger with a swab because that was the first and fastest idea that popped into my head. But, I imagine, the only thing grosser than having an insect in your ear is having squished dead insect parts in your ear. So I had to get it in one piece.
It was then that one of the random bits of information that my brain is home to popped into mind. Year and years ago, when I was sick in my nanis house, I had been bored enough to read the entire collection ancient of Readers Digests in the guest room. Thank God for that! I remembered reading about a woman who had a bee trapped in her ear and who got it out by shining a bright light into her ear; the bee was attracted to the light and moved out towards it. I grabbed my phone, switched on the torch/flash function and held it to my ear. The light seemed to annoy the insect even more, it began to buzz agitatedly and very, very loudly. Then, on the verge of panic, I went and woke my cousin up and told her that she had to shine a torch into my ear right now because there was a bloody insect in there. Luckily, she wakes up fast. As soon as she shone the torch into my ear (I guess she angled the light better than I did), the insect flew out. It was apparently tiny. Little bastard. I will buy lots of Baygon today and exterminate you and your cursed adventurous ilk.
Monday, December 25, 2006
On Karmageddon: The Update
Karma and I still have a topsy turvy relationship. Here is the update:
I won a Tapal Green Tea raffle
BUT
One day the receptionist was not in and I had to place a call to Hunza so I called the front desk and some substitute man picked up so i asked him to put me through to the operator in the Hunza office. He put the call through and the operator picked up. Here is what happened next -
K: Salamalikum, mein K bol rahi hoon, Head office se, mujhe Bashiruddin ka email address chahiye
Op: Bashiruddin?
K: Ji. Bashiruddin.
Op: Yeh Bashiruddin kaun hai?
K: Aap Hunza office se bol rahe hain?
Op: Ji ji
K: Achaaaa. Bashiruddin HR dept. mein hote hain
Op: .....
K: Chalein aap un ke extension pe call mila dein
Op: Actually mujhe un ki extension pata nahin hai aur mein abhi busy hoon
K: ....Busy?
Op: Meeting mein hoon abhi
K: Meeting?!
Op: .....This is Ahad Khan, General Manager
After apologizing profusely I went downstairs and gave the substitute receptionist hell.
Then, I got a scholarship. A major scholarship. Which I really, really wanted. Probably the best thing to happen to me so far.
BUT
I opened the letter informing me I had gotten the scholarship in the car. I had just read the "congratulations, you have been selected..." bit when *BAM* a car smashed into my car for no apparent reason. Then the assholes ran off without even making false promises to pay for damages. There was Karma, looking over my shoulder, saying you may have gotten the scholarship but I'm still gonna getcha, one way or another, gonna getcha, getcha, GETCHA!
P.S. A spider bit me on my arm. When a spider bites Peter Parker, he becomes Spider Man and proceeds to get with Hot Chick. When a spider bites me, I proceed to get an ugly pustule which scares away any Remotely Hot Men. Damn Karma.
Karma and I still have a topsy turvy relationship. Here is the update:
I won a Tapal Green Tea raffle
BUT
One day the receptionist was not in and I had to place a call to Hunza so I called the front desk and some substitute man picked up so i asked him to put me through to the operator in the Hunza office. He put the call through and the operator picked up. Here is what happened next -
K: Salamalikum, mein K bol rahi hoon, Head office se, mujhe Bashiruddin ka email address chahiye
Op: Bashiruddin?
K: Ji. Bashiruddin.
Op: Yeh Bashiruddin kaun hai?
K: Aap Hunza office se bol rahe hain?
Op: Ji ji
K: Achaaaa. Bashiruddin HR dept. mein hote hain
Op: .....
K: Chalein aap un ke extension pe call mila dein
Op: Actually mujhe un ki extension pata nahin hai aur mein abhi busy hoon
K: ....Busy?
Op: Meeting mein hoon abhi
K: Meeting?!
Op: .....This is Ahad Khan, General Manager
After apologizing profusely I went downstairs and gave the substitute receptionist hell.
Then, I got a scholarship. A major scholarship. Which I really, really wanted. Probably the best thing to happen to me so far.
BUT
I opened the letter informing me I had gotten the scholarship in the car. I had just read the "congratulations, you have been selected..." bit when *BAM* a car smashed into my car for no apparent reason. Then the assholes ran off without even making false promises to pay for damages. There was Karma, looking over my shoulder, saying you may have gotten the scholarship but I'm still gonna getcha, one way or another, gonna getcha, getcha, GETCHA!
P.S. A spider bit me on my arm. When a spider bites Peter Parker, he becomes Spider Man and proceeds to get with Hot Chick. When a spider bites me, I proceed to get an ugly pustule which scares away any Remotely Hot Men. Damn Karma.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
On Karmageddon
today the iron exploded in my hand. i seem to bring out the worst in electrical appliances. there was that lava lamp that exploded (pink goo on the roof of a pristine new apartment), the numerous times i short-circuited the dorm, the fairy lights i blew up, the replacement fairy lights that i blew up, the pc stablizer that went *pop* one fine day, an electric kettle i dropped in a bowl of water (it was fine somehow) and of course, the grand debacle when my uncles ancient electric heater almost burnt down the dorm (the same heater that i managed to set my hair on fire with). and i'm sure i am missing a few things.
come to think of it, its not just electrical appliances, a lot of bad things have happened to me recently:
- i was stung by a bee, then was allergic
- someone tried to black-magic me
- a lot of my stuff was stolen
- i wrote an 8 page complaint letter about a sandwich and the next thing you know, the guy who read the letter was my professor
- i fell, a lot. fell up the stairs, fell down the stairs with a suitcase and an aunt, fell down the stairs and tore ankle ligaments, fell and hit head while fainting, fell while breaking into my own house...etc etc
- hit my head on a rock and almost fell off a mountain
- i was stalked. more times than i care to remember.
- i lost some very important things
- other stuff which i cant remember (if you can think of more, leave me a comment)
so it seems that karma is out to get me. but supposedly, karma punishes people who do bad things. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
today the iron exploded in my hand. i seem to bring out the worst in electrical appliances. there was that lava lamp that exploded (pink goo on the roof of a pristine new apartment), the numerous times i short-circuited the dorm, the fairy lights i blew up, the replacement fairy lights that i blew up, the pc stablizer that went *pop* one fine day, an electric kettle i dropped in a bowl of water (it was fine somehow) and of course, the grand debacle when my uncles ancient electric heater almost burnt down the dorm (the same heater that i managed to set my hair on fire with). and i'm sure i am missing a few things.
come to think of it, its not just electrical appliances, a lot of bad things have happened to me recently:
- i was stung by a bee, then was allergic
- someone tried to black-magic me
- a lot of my stuff was stolen
- i wrote an 8 page complaint letter about a sandwich and the next thing you know, the guy who read the letter was my professor
- i fell, a lot. fell up the stairs, fell down the stairs with a suitcase and an aunt, fell down the stairs and tore ankle ligaments, fell and hit head while fainting, fell while breaking into my own house...etc etc
- hit my head on a rock and almost fell off a mountain
- i was stalked. more times than i care to remember.
- i lost some very important things
- other stuff which i cant remember (if you can think of more, leave me a comment)
so it seems that karma is out to get me. but supposedly, karma punishes people who do bad things. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This is my first confession. Because I am not a Catholic, not even a Christian for that matter. Please don’t freak out Father but I am a Muslim. Don’t worry, I am not a suicide bomber or a terrorist, I’m just an ordinary run-of-the-mill middle-class Muslim guy who is ambivalent towards religion. I don’t usually tell people this Father, but I am not exactly sure what post-modernism is all about. And apparently, the whole Islamist controversy is rooted in the legacy of post-modernism or so it said in some fancy shmancy book my boss was reading and which I told him I had read too but I had just googled a summary. So anyhow, I don’t know what the big deal is. You’re probably wondering why I am here Father. See the thing is I did something a little odd. I became a chauffer Father. You may wonder why that is odd; there are so many chauffeurs out there. But you see Father, I am the only chauffeur I know who has a Ph.D. In microbiology. And I have a job too. A good job Father, I make good money. So why did I become a chauffeur? I don’t exactly know why Father. I had a month of leave saved up at work and the year was ending so unless I took it, it would go to waste. So I took it. And I had nothing to do. And one morning I saw an advertisement in the paper for a chauffeur. And for some reason I picked up the phone and applied for the job. And got it. I had to play down my credentials though, told them I had flunked out of college. It was so relaxing Father, I didn’t have to worry about anything but traffic, I drove to wherever the company sent me and picked up busy men and dropped them from one anonymous office building to another. And I used to be one of them Father. I used to look at my watch and tap my feet like them. But now I watched them in the rearview mirror and felt superior. Because I didn’t have those worries anymore, I barely had any worries anymore. But today Father it all went wrong. Because I got sent to pick up my boss. From my original job. Where I am supposed to start working again in a week. Luckily I saw him coming towards the car in the rearview mirror and I rant out of the car. And this Church was right there. So I came in here. Do you think he will have called another cab service by now Father?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
On Phantom Cell phone Syndrome
Phantom limb syndrome is defined as follows:
After a person's limb has been amputated, about 50-80% of amputees experience phantom sensations that seem to be coming from the missing body part. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom limb syndrome. Phantom pains can also happen to people who are born without limbs and people who're paralyzed. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing limb is still attached to the body and moves appropriately with other body parts. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_limb
Having lost my cell phone all too recently, here is how I define phantom cell phone syndrome:
After a person's cell phone has been stolen/lost, about 50-80% of poor sods without phones experience phantom sensations, sounds and vibrations that seem to be coming from the missing cell phone. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom cell phone syndrome. Phantom pains can also occur amongst people who are too young to have cell phones but desperately want them so that they can be cool. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing cell phone is still close to the body or is vibrating/ringing with a message/call/alarm or needs to be charged.
Oh. Another thing. You know how everyone got those forwards explaining how to get that fourteen digit code out of your phone that you can give to your cellular service provider if your phone gets stolen and they can ZAP your phone and it will be of no use anymore? Well I have that code for my phone but it appears that it doesn’t work in Pakistan. (I don’t know why I thought it did work with the 5647576736344 phones that get stolen in Karachi every day!) But why doesn’t it work? Because the five or six miserable cellular companies we have cannot be bothered to sit down together and put aside their differences long enough to come up with a way to have a database of 14 digit numbers that people who lose their phones give them. So that if one company enters a number then the other 5 or 6 block that number too. Jeez, its compliance, not rocket science.
Phantom limb syndrome is defined as follows:
After a person's limb has been amputated, about 50-80% of amputees experience phantom sensations that seem to be coming from the missing body part. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom limb syndrome. Phantom pains can also happen to people who are born without limbs and people who're paralyzed. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing limb is still attached to the body and moves appropriately with other body parts. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_limb
Having lost my cell phone all too recently, here is how I define phantom cell phone syndrome:
After a person's cell phone has been stolen/lost, about 50-80% of poor sods without phones experience phantom sensations, sounds and vibrations that seem to be coming from the missing cell phone. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom cell phone syndrome. Phantom pains can also occur amongst people who are too young to have cell phones but desperately want them so that they can be cool. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing cell phone is still close to the body or is vibrating/ringing with a message/call/alarm or needs to be charged.
Oh. Another thing. You know how everyone got those forwards explaining how to get that fourteen digit code out of your phone that you can give to your cellular service provider if your phone gets stolen and they can ZAP your phone and it will be of no use anymore? Well I have that code for my phone but it appears that it doesn’t work in Pakistan. (I don’t know why I thought it did work with the 5647576736344 phones that get stolen in Karachi every day!) But why doesn’t it work? Because the five or six miserable cellular companies we have cannot be bothered to sit down together and put aside their differences long enough to come up with a way to have a database of 14 digit numbers that people who lose their phones give them. So that if one company enters a number then the other 5 or 6 block that number too. Jeez, its compliance, not rocket science.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
On Hyperactive Gut Activity
I have had a tension-tummy for some days now though the tension ended on Friday. Had fever has well so went to the doctor and was told that i probably have a stomach infection and "hyperactive gut activity/noises ". For some reason everyone finds this hilarious. Allow me to clarify; my gut is noisy and hyperactive only when you press a stethoscope to it. It is not turning wheelies in downtown Intestine Town nor is it making noises audible to human ears. It may however be making noises audible to dogs. All the dogs I pass these days look at me in an understanding there-there kind of way.
I have had a tension-tummy for some days now though the tension ended on Friday. Had fever has well so went to the doctor and was told that i probably have a stomach infection and "hyperactive gut activity/noises ". For some reason everyone finds this hilarious. Allow me to clarify; my gut is noisy and hyperactive only when you press a stethoscope to it. It is not turning wheelies in downtown Intestine Town nor is it making noises audible to human ears. It may however be making noises audible to dogs. All the dogs I pass these days look at me in an understanding there-there kind of way.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Area Woman To Attend Grad School To Find A Boyfriend
August 10, 2006 | Issue 42•32
KARACHI, SIND.—Citing a lack of opportunities ZC has decided to return to school to pursue a master's degree in her major subject, and a potential mate. "My main ambition is finding someone I actually care about right now, and the opportunities just aren't there in the real world," , ZC, 23, said Wednesday from Karachi. "Or, I may just still have a lot to learn about men, so, either way, grad school's the right choice. I figure that at this point I'll take what I can get." ZS declined to comment on the fact that, in her four years at college, she was employed in no gainful romantic position unless you count the 842162116469 random stalkers.
ref. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51379
August 10, 2006 | Issue 42•32
KARACHI, SIND.—Citing a lack of opportunities ZC has decided to return to school to pursue a master's degree in her major subject, and a potential mate. "My main ambition is finding someone I actually care about right now, and the opportunities just aren't there in the real world," , ZC, 23, said Wednesday from Karachi. "Or, I may just still have a lot to learn about men, so, either way, grad school's the right choice. I figure that at this point I'll take what I can get." ZS declined to comment on the fact that, in her four years at college, she was employed in no gainful romantic position unless you count the 842162116469 random stalkers.
ref. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51379
"Indecent" Researcher Caught Groping Men in Dark Stacks
August 10, 2006
Cairo, EGYPT- Cairo residents are outraged by international student and research assistant HS who has been accused of "indecently" groping 283 men ranging between the ages of 18 and 83 when they were trying to find books in the dimly lit stacks at the back of the American University library.
"She was hiding behind a cart of books, she jumped out at me and grabbed my...stuff with one hand and squeezed my upper arm with the other while mumbling something about macro-economic trends and hyper-inflation during wartime making clinique tonor expensive and then ran away" said Timothy Hegan, 28. Hegan was "vaguely excited" about the incident but his girlfriend Megan Wally, 29, was outraged and vowed to "hunt down that bitch".
HS has become something of an icon on the university campus and the library is full of men who want to be groped. Remarked Steve Smith, 46, "my wife left me last year and I have not had sex since, I might as well hang out in the stacks and hope that Hiba gets me".
Also teeming around the library are feminist advocacy groups with placards who hail Sameen as a pioneering hero for women everywhere, "she has subverted gender and I think she should be given a medal" said Leila Rahim, President of the Women Against Harassment and Catcalling Group (WAHC) and founder of www.whyihatemen.com. Rahim also dismissed rumors that HS is a "sexual terrorist" and only gropes men of Caucasian descent.
HS, who was last seen wearing a pink T-shirt that read "all the good ones are gay" was not available for comment.
August 10, 2006
Cairo, EGYPT- Cairo residents are outraged by international student and research assistant HS who has been accused of "indecently" groping 283 men ranging between the ages of 18 and 83 when they were trying to find books in the dimly lit stacks at the back of the American University library.
"She was hiding behind a cart of books, she jumped out at me and grabbed my...stuff with one hand and squeezed my upper arm with the other while mumbling something about macro-economic trends and hyper-inflation during wartime making clinique tonor expensive and then ran away" said Timothy Hegan, 28. Hegan was "vaguely excited" about the incident but his girlfriend Megan Wally, 29, was outraged and vowed to "hunt down that bitch".
HS has become something of an icon on the university campus and the library is full of men who want to be groped. Remarked Steve Smith, 46, "my wife left me last year and I have not had sex since, I might as well hang out in the stacks and hope that Hiba gets me".
Also teeming around the library are feminist advocacy groups with placards who hail Sameen as a pioneering hero for women everywhere, "she has subverted gender and I think she should be given a medal" said Leila Rahim, President of the Women Against Harassment and Catcalling Group (WAHC) and founder of www.whyihatemen.com. Rahim also dismissed rumors that HS is a "sexual terrorist" and only gropes men of Caucasian descent.
HS, who was last seen wearing a pink T-shirt that read "all the good ones are gay" was not available for comment.
An imaginary rejection letter from USEFP:
Dear Ms. Khan,
Thank you for coming to meet with us yesterday. It was a pleasure meeting with you. You were among numerous highly qualified individuals who applied for the Fulbright Scholarship and it was extremely difficult for us to short list candidates. I regret to inform you that you have not been short listed for the scholarship.
However, you do qualify for USAID's lesser known LAPHO 'scholarship' fund which is used to send pulchritudinous underpriveleged females from South Asia to a USAID 'retreat' in Vegas where they are encouraged to develop their personal skill-set, live in an open and harmonious manner, develop close and cordial relationships with key USAID staff members and push the borders of what they thought was possible.
We look forward to seeing you at the LAPHO Club soon.
Love,
USEFP
Dear Ms. Khan,
Thank you for coming to meet with us yesterday. It was a pleasure meeting with you. You were among numerous highly qualified individuals who applied for the Fulbright Scholarship and it was extremely difficult for us to short list candidates. I regret to inform you that you have not been short listed for the scholarship.
However, you do qualify for USAID's lesser known LAPHO 'scholarship' fund which is used to send pulchritudinous underpriveleged females from South Asia to a USAID 'retreat' in Vegas where they are encouraged to develop their personal skill-set, live in an open and harmonious manner, develop close and cordial relationships with key USAID staff members and push the borders of what they thought was possible.
We look forward to seeing you at the LAPHO Club soon.
Love,
USEFP
