Wednesday, August 30, 2006
On Phantom Cell phone Syndrome
Phantom limb syndrome is defined as follows:
After a person's limb has been amputated, about 50-80% of amputees experience phantom sensations that seem to be coming from the missing body part. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom limb syndrome. Phantom pains can also happen to people who are born without limbs and people who're paralyzed. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing limb is still attached to the body and moves appropriately with other body parts. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_limb
Having lost my cell phone all too recently, here is how I define phantom cell phone syndrome:
After a person's cell phone has been stolen/lost, about 50-80% of poor sods without phones experience phantom sensations, sounds and vibrations that seem to be coming from the missing cell phone. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom cell phone syndrome. Phantom pains can also occur amongst people who are too young to have cell phones but desperately want them so that they can be cool. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing cell phone is still close to the body or is vibrating/ringing with a message/call/alarm or needs to be charged.
Oh. Another thing. You know how everyone got those forwards explaining how to get that fourteen digit code out of your phone that you can give to your cellular service provider if your phone gets stolen and they can ZAP your phone and it will be of no use anymore? Well I have that code for my phone but it appears that it doesn’t work in Pakistan. (I don’t know why I thought it did work with the 5647576736344 phones that get stolen in Karachi every day!) But why doesn’t it work? Because the five or six miserable cellular companies we have cannot be bothered to sit down together and put aside their differences long enough to come up with a way to have a database of 14 digit numbers that people who lose their phones give them. So that if one company enters a number then the other 5 or 6 block that number too. Jeez, its compliance, not rocket science.
Phantom limb syndrome is defined as follows:
After a person's limb has been amputated, about 50-80% of amputees experience phantom sensations that seem to be coming from the missing body part. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom limb syndrome. Phantom pains can also happen to people who are born without limbs and people who're paralyzed. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing limb is still attached to the body and moves appropriately with other body parts. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_limb
Having lost my cell phone all too recently, here is how I define phantom cell phone syndrome:
After a person's cell phone has been stolen/lost, about 50-80% of poor sods without phones experience phantom sensations, sounds and vibrations that seem to be coming from the missing cell phone. If the feeling is intense enough, these sensations are called phantom pains or phantom cell phone syndrome. Phantom pains can also occur amongst people who are too young to have cell phones but desperately want them so that they can be cool. A phantom sensation is when a person feels that their missing cell phone is still close to the body or is vibrating/ringing with a message/call/alarm or needs to be charged.
Oh. Another thing. You know how everyone got those forwards explaining how to get that fourteen digit code out of your phone that you can give to your cellular service provider if your phone gets stolen and they can ZAP your phone and it will be of no use anymore? Well I have that code for my phone but it appears that it doesn’t work in Pakistan. (I don’t know why I thought it did work with the 5647576736344 phones that get stolen in Karachi every day!) But why doesn’t it work? Because the five or six miserable cellular companies we have cannot be bothered to sit down together and put aside their differences long enough to come up with a way to have a database of 14 digit numbers that people who lose their phones give them. So that if one company enters a number then the other 5 or 6 block that number too. Jeez, its compliance, not rocket science.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
On Hyperactive Gut Activity
I have had a tension-tummy for some days now though the tension ended on Friday. Had fever has well so went to the doctor and was told that i probably have a stomach infection and "hyperactive gut activity/noises ". For some reason everyone finds this hilarious. Allow me to clarify; my gut is noisy and hyperactive only when you press a stethoscope to it. It is not turning wheelies in downtown Intestine Town nor is it making noises audible to human ears. It may however be making noises audible to dogs. All the dogs I pass these days look at me in an understanding there-there kind of way.
I have had a tension-tummy for some days now though the tension ended on Friday. Had fever has well so went to the doctor and was told that i probably have a stomach infection and "hyperactive gut activity/noises ". For some reason everyone finds this hilarious. Allow me to clarify; my gut is noisy and hyperactive only when you press a stethoscope to it. It is not turning wheelies in downtown Intestine Town nor is it making noises audible to human ears. It may however be making noises audible to dogs. All the dogs I pass these days look at me in an understanding there-there kind of way.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Area Woman To Attend Grad School To Find A Boyfriend
August 10, 2006 | Issue 42•32
KARACHI, SIND.—Citing a lack of opportunities ZC has decided to return to school to pursue a master's degree in her major subject, and a potential mate. "My main ambition is finding someone I actually care about right now, and the opportunities just aren't there in the real world," , ZC, 23, said Wednesday from Karachi. "Or, I may just still have a lot to learn about men, so, either way, grad school's the right choice. I figure that at this point I'll take what I can get." ZS declined to comment on the fact that, in her four years at college, she was employed in no gainful romantic position unless you count the 842162116469 random stalkers.
ref. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51379
August 10, 2006 | Issue 42•32
KARACHI, SIND.—Citing a lack of opportunities ZC has decided to return to school to pursue a master's degree in her major subject, and a potential mate. "My main ambition is finding someone I actually care about right now, and the opportunities just aren't there in the real world," , ZC, 23, said Wednesday from Karachi. "Or, I may just still have a lot to learn about men, so, either way, grad school's the right choice. I figure that at this point I'll take what I can get." ZS declined to comment on the fact that, in her four years at college, she was employed in no gainful romantic position unless you count the 842162116469 random stalkers.
ref. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/51379
"Indecent" Researcher Caught Groping Men in Dark Stacks
August 10, 2006
Cairo, EGYPT- Cairo residents are outraged by international student and research assistant HS who has been accused of "indecently" groping 283 men ranging between the ages of 18 and 83 when they were trying to find books in the dimly lit stacks at the back of the American University library.
"She was hiding behind a cart of books, she jumped out at me and grabbed my...stuff with one hand and squeezed my upper arm with the other while mumbling something about macro-economic trends and hyper-inflation during wartime making clinique tonor expensive and then ran away" said Timothy Hegan, 28. Hegan was "vaguely excited" about the incident but his girlfriend Megan Wally, 29, was outraged and vowed to "hunt down that bitch".
HS has become something of an icon on the university campus and the library is full of men who want to be groped. Remarked Steve Smith, 46, "my wife left me last year and I have not had sex since, I might as well hang out in the stacks and hope that Hiba gets me".
Also teeming around the library are feminist advocacy groups with placards who hail Sameen as a pioneering hero for women everywhere, "she has subverted gender and I think she should be given a medal" said Leila Rahim, President of the Women Against Harassment and Catcalling Group (WAHC) and founder of www.whyihatemen.com. Rahim also dismissed rumors that HS is a "sexual terrorist" and only gropes men of Caucasian descent.
HS, who was last seen wearing a pink T-shirt that read "all the good ones are gay" was not available for comment.
August 10, 2006
Cairo, EGYPT- Cairo residents are outraged by international student and research assistant HS who has been accused of "indecently" groping 283 men ranging between the ages of 18 and 83 when they were trying to find books in the dimly lit stacks at the back of the American University library.
"She was hiding behind a cart of books, she jumped out at me and grabbed my...stuff with one hand and squeezed my upper arm with the other while mumbling something about macro-economic trends and hyper-inflation during wartime making clinique tonor expensive and then ran away" said Timothy Hegan, 28. Hegan was "vaguely excited" about the incident but his girlfriend Megan Wally, 29, was outraged and vowed to "hunt down that bitch".
HS has become something of an icon on the university campus and the library is full of men who want to be groped. Remarked Steve Smith, 46, "my wife left me last year and I have not had sex since, I might as well hang out in the stacks and hope that Hiba gets me".
Also teeming around the library are feminist advocacy groups with placards who hail Sameen as a pioneering hero for women everywhere, "she has subverted gender and I think she should be given a medal" said Leila Rahim, President of the Women Against Harassment and Catcalling Group (WAHC) and founder of www.whyihatemen.com. Rahim also dismissed rumors that HS is a "sexual terrorist" and only gropes men of Caucasian descent.
HS, who was last seen wearing a pink T-shirt that read "all the good ones are gay" was not available for comment.
An imaginary rejection letter from USEFP:
Dear Ms. Khan,
Thank you for coming to meet with us yesterday. It was a pleasure meeting with you. You were among numerous highly qualified individuals who applied for the Fulbright Scholarship and it was extremely difficult for us to short list candidates. I regret to inform you that you have not been short listed for the scholarship.
However, you do qualify for USAID's lesser known LAPHO 'scholarship' fund which is used to send pulchritudinous underpriveleged females from South Asia to a USAID 'retreat' in Vegas where they are encouraged to develop their personal skill-set, live in an open and harmonious manner, develop close and cordial relationships with key USAID staff members and push the borders of what they thought was possible.
We look forward to seeing you at the LAPHO Club soon.
Love,
USEFP
Dear Ms. Khan,
Thank you for coming to meet with us yesterday. It was a pleasure meeting with you. You were among numerous highly qualified individuals who applied for the Fulbright Scholarship and it was extremely difficult for us to short list candidates. I regret to inform you that you have not been short listed for the scholarship.
However, you do qualify for USAID's lesser known LAPHO 'scholarship' fund which is used to send pulchritudinous underpriveleged females from South Asia to a USAID 'retreat' in Vegas where they are encouraged to develop their personal skill-set, live in an open and harmonious manner, develop close and cordial relationships with key USAID staff members and push the borders of what they thought was possible.
We look forward to seeing you at the LAPHO Club soon.
Love,
USEFP
